{"id":127,"date":"2020-02-25T20:33:56","date_gmt":"2020-02-26T03:33:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/clearasmud.blog\/?p=127"},"modified":"2020-09-09T11:24:25","modified_gmt":"2020-09-09T17:24:25","slug":"i-am-a-better-parent-because-i-know-these-3-things","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mud.webromancy.com\/?p=127","title":{"rendered":"I am a better parent because I know these 3 things"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Becoming a good parent is a process. These are some of the things I learned along the way.<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I think just the mere fact that we are mothers makes us all qualified to share our thoughts and experiences. That is the context in which I am sharing; not as a parenting guru that has all the answers, because I don\u2019t. I am a mom, period, and we can learn so much from each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

 I am going to touch on three things that have really changed everything for me! I say \u201ctouch upon\u201d because these topics are so vast and could be discussed endlessly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Parenting Means Changing Ourselves, Not Our Kids<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have spent so much of my time as a mom trying to control and protect my children. Guess what? It doesn\u2019t work, no matter how badly we want it to! Yes, we mean well, and we want what\u2019s best for them, but it\u2019s not effective and it will probably make things worse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It wasn\u2019t until one of my daughters was really struggling and I was introduced to an amazing therapeutic program run by Dr. Brad Reedy that I really started to understand this concept. So, what is actually in our control? When I started thinking about that, it was extremely sobering. Basically, everything that\u2019s in my control has to do with ME. Not how my kids behave and not how they should feel and not what they do. It\u2019s all about how I am going to react to a particular situation, what kind of role model am I going to be and how do I communicate with them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two changes occurred when I had this realization:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 A) I was like \u201cOh my gosh\u201d that\u2019s overwhelming, I actually have to hold myself accountable, yikes! it\u2019s so much easier to focus on the things that we have no control over than the things we do! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

B) It was incredibly freeing. I do not have to own every bad decision my child makes, or every struggle they are having. Every child has their own journey and the way they are going to navigate it will be unique to them. What they need from me is a mom that is well-grounded and healthy enough to weather the storm with them. Be there! Really be there, without our own emotions, fears, and triggers getting in the way. How do you do that?! The million-dollar question! Maybe that can be the next article. What I can say unequivocally is the best gift you can give to your child is the gift of your own self-discovery. It\u2019s the long short way. So very hard but so well worth it! It\u2019s a lifetime journey that I have only just begun, we can do this! And if we support each other, then we\u2019ve really got it made. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Have Fun<\/strong>

For me this was easier said than done. I have five children through adoption, they are so wonderful and special, and they have really high needs. I felt so consumed by the daily grind of appointments, medical challenges, scheduling, therapies\u2026 the list can go on forever. Then it hit me one day that I\u2019m not having any fun. I am not actually enjoying my kids\u2019 company. That was an \u201cAha\u201d moment for me. It wasn\u2019t the way I wanted to live my life. I needed to find the joy amidst all the chaos. There are days when that doesn\u2019t happen. But now it\u2019s on my radar, and when I\u2019m feeling short-tempered or frustrated, I know I need to shift my focus and just plain and simple have fun and remember why I love them so much! So, make that list of all the things you enjoy doing with your kids. And when you feel the walls caving in around you, grab that list and have some spontaneous fun! Your kids will love it and more importantly so will you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Learn from every moment<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

 A wise woman once told me, everything is a learning opportunity. Now that seems really simple and it is, but it really changed how I looked at challenging moments. Let\u2019s say I had a hard conversation with one of my children that didn\u2019t go so well. Instead of thinking \u201cI\u2019m a complete failure, this is a disaster\u201d (which was my go to), I started trying to reframe it \u201cWell that didn\u2019t go the way I would\u2019ve liked it to go. Where did it go wrong? What could I do differently next time?\u201d This is also a really powerful thing to teach our children. One of my girls hates taking tests; she doesn\u2019t understand the point and thinks it\u2019s a big waste of her time. She had a challenging test coming up and I offered to help her study, she said, \u201cNo I\u2019m not studying, I don\u2019t need to study, studying is stupid etc.\u201d So I went back to \u201cWhat\u2019s in my control?\u201d I can\u2019t force her to study, I can only offer my support, but I\u2019m not going to tie her down to her chair. That would be unproductive. So I let her be. Low and behold, she took the test and didn\u2019t do very well. She got her mark and needless to say she was not happy. Once she was calm, we were able to have a conversation and I asked her, \u201cWhat did you learn from this experience?\u201d And, reluctantly, she was able to recognize that she does need to study, and she understood what she needed to do differently next time. Getting a bad grade could\u2019ve been a purely negative experience. But if we just learn to reframe, everything is an opportunity for growth and change. How cool is that!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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